Today I was talking to my friend …and suddenly I become angry ,my voice change and i feel tension all over my body …..and the subject was about health …i mean she was talking about her health ,how good she feel …and in the seconds i went for comparison and anger …why i never felt healthy ??…and I wrote about this so many times ….and this luck of health create in me hopelessness and anger .Anger from the perspective why me ??..when I was a child i experience this…and with that came hopelessness …why even bother …I am better for sometimes …and then again I was sick.
In this sickness I found some comfort too…,but my first emotions was anger and later hopelessness .I create so many explanation about this like god will ,…not everybody can be 100 % healthy ,but mostly of my friends ,were healthier then me .
I went to so many doctors …I guess they did help me with the symptoms ….,but never had i have answers why ?
Today I do struggle with the same weakness points of my body…even I do support myself ,my body ,but the point of comparison and hopelessness is so big in me ,because I create this my whole life .Today I want to take responsibility for this anger ,hopelessness and comparison ,so there it is:
1.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to be angry at me ,because I was sick ,because I could not experience my childhood the way my friends were and create the point of hopelessness with in me .
2.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself, create from the childhood the idea in my mind the point of hopelessness and worthlessness ,because I was sick .
3.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself from the childhood carry this idea ,this personality in me ,that I am week and I am different ,because I was sick ,not understanding at that time that thru thinking this way and acting this way, I enslave me and my body to even more construct of sickness .
4.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself always carry this memory of sickness and fear in my mind ,and later give up on many things in my life,because of that.
5.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to have this memory of my mom ,when she always talk to me from a perspective of someone who is week ,sick ,and always need help ,someone who might never make it .
6.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to blame my mother for the programming she have done on me ,so I don't have to take responsibility of me ,of my life.
7.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to fallow this program of being sick ,being week ,and not seeing that this is me doing things to me ,nobody else .
8.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to live so long with this mind pattern ,that it is almost impossible to change
…,which is not thru …the change is possible and is all up to me ,how long I want to live this destructive way of thinking .
9.I realize now ,that is only me who ,create this pattern in the first place ,and is up to me to stop this ,and yes I need support my body physically like everybody else ,but with out this mind construct .
10.I realize now that as long I will carry this blame and fear I wan"t be able to even scratch the surface of this construct ,construct which is me .
11.I commit myself to stop this mind pattern ,taking day by day,taking step by step,supporting my physical body ,with out the fear of sickness , realizing that even if there is sickness in the body ,i am the one who can support my body with out this mind pattern.
12.I commit myself in minute I see and feel this emotions ,because I judge my health ,my body …just stop and breathe and keep directing me in physicality .
13. I realize now ,that is really up to me to speed the process of stopping the mind construct and start living in real Life ,which for now for me is only the word I use .
Thank you for reading!!
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